I'm sick today.

Sometimes there are really, really, ridiculous sounding articles on the MSN.com...homepage, or whatever. So, I was just browsing the site because I was bored and needed something to shamelessly mock for no apparent reason. And I found this, which is an article entitled: Letting Go Of Guilt. Unless you actually go there and read it, you won't understand that it is aimed entirely at women. Apparently men don't feel guilty. Anyway, it listed some scenarios which women might feel guilt about, some of which were legitimate. Some were just retarded. Like, for example:

"The other moms made their kids' Halloween costumes-but yours are from the drugstore."

That is no reason to feel guilty, I don't think. I imagine the "other moms" spent hours and hours sewing elaborate things their child will wear once and forget about, and all you did was go to the drugstore and buy something. Think of the time you saved!

Also, who would feel guilty about the fact that they would rather read a romance novel than the newspaper?! Unless you were on really close terms with the editors of said newspaper, in which case I don't think you would run around advertising the fact that you decided to read a book than another article on terrorists.

The only thing I came away from this article with was a gnawing suspicion that I might identify more with guys than girls, when I get old.

Is that a problem?


(p.s.: I was just typing a text message to someone that included the word "taking" and for some reason it came out as "ugling." Thank you, T9!)

Why not?

One thing I don't understand is the people who name their children Espn. That doesn't even look like a normal name. Also, if you're that obsessed with watching sports tv, why on earth are you reproducing? I vote you stop, now. Apparently last year there were three children named Espn, and another one recently. I think that four Espns is enough.

Actually, I'm consiering naming my first child Mtv. And then maybe one named Vh1. I'm a little confused on how one would pronounce that, but I have a while to figure it out. But! Does it matter? No, because I just love Vh1 that much that I am willing to have my child mocked for years and years. MTV and VH1, you are my only friends. If not for you, I would have some kind of terrible social life, and friends, pesky friends that would call me and want to do things, like hang out and...leave my house. I'm not ready for that yet. Maybe some day. And it will be a sad day, television channels.

Memos

TO: The old woman driving behind me today
RE: Your hand gestures

What's that? You so love the beautiful voice of Yung Joc that you want me to turn it up even louder? Alright, I guess I could do that for you. Wait, what do you want now? More bass?!?!? Of course I can do that!! Also, I hope you appreciate the huge cloud of blue smoke my car just left for you!

TO: The person that flashed their brites and honked at me tonight
RE: Why?!?!?

I did not do anything! My brites weren't on, my light was green, you were yielding to me (remember? you did not have an arrow!), and, for once, I was going the speed limit! So maybe you should stop being an idiot. Ok?

Did you know you sucked?

To: The Person Who Made A Face at Me
Re: You are lame

Yes, I know my car sucks, and smokes 3000x times more than any other car on the planet. But, I am aware of that, and that does not give you the right to make faces at me, demonstrating what an abomination to think my car is. And seriously, you were ugly enough before you made the face, puffing your cheeks up and sticking your tongue out while waving your hand at your face DOES NOT HELP.

Also, if you think it is such a problem, perhaps you could find a mechanic who could fix it. The mechanic my dad currently uses specializes in Acuras, and has for many years. Do you know what he told me? He said it's a problem all Legends have, and that i should get over it, because it's not going away anytime soon.

And no, I don't feel the least bit bad about flipping you off. You had it coming!

-Megan

now!

nyc tilt shift,
originally uploaded by {{sa!ine\\.

i had a very weird, long disturbing and sad night last night, and i stumbled across someone elses' new york city pictures and i miss it so much. i want to go there, like, now, and i'm not sure how my night last night affects my wanting to go back there but it does! really, i promise.

#89476 thing that makes me happy

my cat standing knee/elbow deep in blankets. like, they are just going to swallow him. it look slike a very comfortable way to sleep.

i pledge

allegiance to the underworld

one nation under dog

thereof which i stand alone

i am

all kinds of pissed off.

again. and for similar reasons.

he does not ever get to go for rides AGAIN

i brought hershey with me when i took michael home last night, and he both puked and pooped all over the front seat within a space of about four minutes. it was viiiiile. and then he hid in the backseat until we got to my house and i could clean it up.

there is too much

to wait for. especially because i don't know how long i'll be waiting...

if i knew it would make it easier, but i guess that's not how things go around here.

i guess it works.

i need to talk.

that was

easily the worst thing i have ever done

if i could hear it right now this would make me cry

Only One
Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

moving

all kinds of moving going on pretty soon here, because we are moving, and my grandparents are moving, and my other grandparents are moving, and then my aunt and uncle have moved, and that is all.
i think that's kinda obnoxious, because can you imagine just how lost i will get all the time.

and i really hate "the children's song" by trick daddy. how freaking weird. however, i have recently downloaded the jack johnson cd, and it is quite good. not the curious george one, or whatever. in between dreams.

i'm tired.....
...
..
.

2:08 am

Mood: Bleh.
iTunes: Dresden Dolls.

My cat is having a nightmare in my lap. I'm feeling thoroughly alone, and bored, with almost everything. Everytime he wakes up, he hits his little head on the edge of the counter. I need to get out...and go waaaay away from here, I'm thinking. Every so often he wakes up a little and curls into a tighter ball and starts shaking. I'm kind of afraid to leave here, though. I'm also kind of afraid to move him, he's not a nice cat...

Maybe I Won't Suffer...

My car is gone. Like, for good...I'm sad. But I thinkI'll be okay. I get too attached to material objects, and then I actually start feeling bad for them, and worrying about their feelings...I thought I'd get over this when I hit about 14, but I guess not. I haven't cried, yet, but I assume it's coming. Sigh...

-megan.

Even Heros

Out The Back - Fort Minor

You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so i could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it`s really worth it
Forget perfect, i`m trying not to be worthless
Since i last saw you i been lookin for a purpose
Well i met this kid who thought like i did
He had a weird way of lookin at it
This is what he said
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
I dont remember where i met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
I dont need to tell you that life isnt fair, it doesnt care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you i want someone to say its okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody`s afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that were scaring ourselves
You understand when im saying that you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Im no hero, you remember how i was, you know
All i ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
Im spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday`s life
Please remember this isn`t how i hoped it would be
But i had to protect you from me
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time i was around i just bring you down
And i could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
And i know the way i left wasnt fair
I didnt want to be around just to bring you down
Im not a hero but dont think i didnt care

I Want To Feel Through You Tonight

Mood: ...um
iTunes: I Won't Make You - Something Corporate

I was good for about three days, even though my car got stolen, today was a very good day. Except for a little while, during a church thing...afterwards was good. Annnnd now I'm sitting here, and I'm sad again, for no real reason, other than I hate the way I let songs change my mood so much.

I hate being sad for no reason. I wish I could put my finger on it, so that I could fix it.

Things need to get better again! This better not last....

-megan.

It Never Quite Reaches Her Eyes

Mood: Same as almost always...
iTunes: You're Gone - Something Corporate

I'm not happy. Like, really, really, not happy. Content? Sure. But not happy. And if everything my parents have said is true, I probably never will be. I think that's why I'm in the process of giving up, and detaching myself from a lot of things. Like almost everything. I need to find something to fill my time, I think, and pushes thoughts away. I thought it was only dreaming that messed me up, but now it's thinking also. So I can't sleep, and I can't be awake. May as well learn to live with it. I want to bury myself in a city, where no one could ever find me. I don't want to be entirely alone, but for the most part...yes, sure. I don't want to be concerned with too much. I'm sick.

-megan.

Let's Delay Our Misery

Mood: Umm...
iTunes: Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry

Interesting things have been happening in the middle of the night...Why do I manage to feel the exact opposite of the way I felt during the day?

Maybe everyone's like this, but no one else really notices because tey can manage to sleep. I don't sleep. I'm like a robot, I'm thinking. I stay up till midnight to 1:30am talking, then I fill the rest of the night with reading, and crosswords, and taking pictures, and whatever else I can find to entertain myself. I don't know, I just don't like sleeping. I do, for maybe three or four hours a night...but I know that's not enough.

I want to grow up and get this over with. I want to know where I'll be in 8 years, and who with, and what I'll be doing...

I have a lot of thought...am I being ridiculous?

I don't expect you to be able to answer that.

-megan.

Done

I'm done with high school. As in everything that I've known for the past 13 years is over...

I'm not sad, but I'm not entirely happy about it.

-megan.

I Think We Need To Slow Down For A While...

Mood: Jeez!
iTunes: Thrift Store Chair - Everclear

Baby go to bed and put out the light,
We both know if we talk anymore,

We're gonna end up in a great big fight,
You can have your way again,
Yeah you believe what you wanna believe,
You can walk all over me tomorrow,
But tonight can we both just pretend to sleep,
I think we're headed for a big fall,
Think we're headed for a bad time
(yeah, you're gonna go downstairs,
sit in that chair you like)
Gonna put a John Pline record on,
I think we need to slow it down for a while,
I wish we had never bought a king-size bed,
Yeah, only damn thing that it's ever been good for,
Plenty room for the real good sex,
Lay in bed in the dark and all that I can see,
Yeah, is the distance that grows between us,
You seem so far from me,
I think we're headed for a real big fall,
Yes we're headed for a bad time,
(Yeah, gonna go downstairs,
Sit by myself all alone in the middle of the night)
Gonna but a John Pline record on,
Yes, we need to slow it down for a while
(Gonna go downstairs,
Smoke cigarettes in a thrift store chair tonight)
Gonna put a John Pline record on,
Yeah, we need to slow it down for a while,
Yeah, yeah,
We need to slow it down for a while,
Yeah, yeah,
We need to slow it down for a while,
For a while, for a while, for a while, for a while,
Yeah, we need to slow it down for a while

Taste The Saline, Rolling Down Your Cheekbones

iTunes: Down - Something Corporate

I'm sad.

I just thought you should know.

It's been ths exact same way for a while, and I know how to fix it.

But it's not really a fix, since I'm not sure if being a different kind of sad would be better than just staying this same kind of sad for a lot longer. It's kind of a happy sadness, and sometimes it's hidden better than others.

I don't know.

-megan.

Nothing's Gonna Blow Me Away

Mood: Emo-tastic
iTunes: Cavanaugh Park - Something Corporate

Have I ever mentioned that my favorite time of day is sometime after midnight? And I like to sit outside then, but only in the summer, when it's tolerable and the wind isn't cutting holes in my skin. Anyway, I haven't wanted to just do that for a few hours in the longest time. Probably since last summer. Pretty soon it'll get so bad that I just leave at 3 or 4 in the morning to take a walk somewhere. And it's also these times when I try to come up with some way that I could move to Wyoming or Montana or somewhere in the midwest like that where you can walk for hours and see amazing things every minute or so.

Like when we were in Wyoming last summer, driving back from Yellowstone at like 10 p.m. We drove past this pasture, or something, and there were like two mooses just kind of wandering through. Even if they were pets...who would keep a moose as a pet?

I want one...

-megan.

Just Get Me Out Of Here

"...You get six months to adapt, and you get two more to leave town, and in the event that you do adapt we might still not want you around..."

I need something new. Everything's gotten to seeming stagnant, and boring, and repetitive. Everything! I'm getting a newer better camera in the next couple weeks, and I'm hoping that will help with some of that...And I'm starting at EvCC next year, that should do something for me...

I jsut want to go somewhere far away, to travel, even if it's just for a day. I need somewhere new, as opposed to something new.

-megan.

Let's Get Drunk You Can Drive Us To The Harbour

Mood: Same it's been for a while now...
iTunes: Down - Something Corporate

"Let's get crazy, talk about our big plans..."

I hate this, because I can't describe it at all. As in, I can't even write it, which, I think, is actually a first for me. And that makes me angry...I don't know what to do about it, and I'm pretty sure ther isn't anyone that can help me. Which is fine, I'm not sure I want them to. It's not an entirely bad feeling, but it changes a lot, between bad and...not.

But it's never quite good, which, I guess, is the problem.

Maybe it's not a problem though.

The worst is when I find a million other things to cover it up with, because I'm the least straightforward person I think I know.

-megan.

Just Hoping So Bad That It Held Some Kind Of Truth

Mood: Bleh...
iTunes: Saturday As Usual - Bright Eyes

The entire right side of my mouth is hurting me worse than anything ever before. As in, I could collapse at any minute and just die and all would be well.

I want to go to Avondale.

I've never bitten my nails quite like this beofre...and now I'm trying to figure out what I'm so confused about.

I need a nap.

-megan.

I Would Make An Amazing Car Thief.

I just set my car alarm off for the fourth time in the past week. My dad had that car for two years before me and never even knew there was a car alarm. For some reason, if you lock yourself in teh car and stick the keys in the ignition, you are almost officially a criminal. Or, it's at least a very good start on the road to criminal-dom, and did you know that also in less than a year I will be on death row.

-megan.

I Just Want To Break You Down So Badly

Mood: Oh...
iTunes: Chrysanthemum - Everclear

What a weird day. Most of it was pretty fun, except for the couple hours I spent in sheer terror of FINALLY giving my presentation of my CE...it's over! It's all over! I'm free! Almost....

Other parts jsut confused me. But I found a new book to read to keep my mind form going too far, which it seems to do...at least I'll sleep this week, maybe.

I am discouraged. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Do I wait for it to go away? It's not entirely solvable...

-megan.

The More I See The Less I Know

Mood: Pensive
iTunes: Snow Hey Oh - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Today was...interesting. Boring, and tiresome, but it had it's good points. Like the one where I watched The Family Stone and it was amazing. And the part where my brother found a dead fish at the beach and it was sweet.

I got roughly...three hours of sleep for last night...and I accidentally slept through school to get those three. And I'm not gonna get much more tonight...but it'll be alright. It has to be. My entire high school career will have been wasted if I don't do at least alright tomorrow!!! That is all. Playlist-shuffle-time, since I haven't done one in like eight centuries.

1. If Winter Ends - Bright Eyes - I kinda don't like this song. The intro is entirely too long, and there are dumb children on a playground in the beginning, or something. The song part isn't terrible, though, I guess.
2. I Am Revenent (?!) - The Distillers - This song is alright...but I dunno if the title is right, some retard named all the tracks that I downloaded all wrong. I don't like this song much, actually, it kinda sucks...
3. Easy/Lucky/Free - Bright Eyes - Easily in my top three favorite Bright Eyes songs. It's amazing and pretty.
4. Falling Out Of Love At This Volume - Bright Eyes - Yeah, I have a ton of Bright Eyes. THis song is ok, upbeat and...weird.
5. Showerhead - Eve 6 - This whole CD makes me love Eve 6 more than most things ever. And this is one of the last tracks I got sick of.
6. Hate Me - Blue October - This CD was amazing too. They have an interesting variety, I guess, and this song almost makes me cry. Reminds me of old time...my life has changed. A lot.
7. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol - Amazing!! The first half of this CD is just as awesome...I reccomend it. Except for that stupid Shut Your Eyes song...(haha. I am only half kidding.)
8. We Be Burnin - Sean Paul - On MySpace, he gets comments from hookers. Do yooouuu get comments from hookers? I think not. And he has a fun accent.
9. American Gigolo - Weezer - This song is lame compared to the rest.
10. Blackjack - Everclear - Not much to say here...

Annnnnd...goodnight.

-megan.

I Have Enough Batteries To Get Me Through Armageddon

I wrote my mom a letter last night, explaining like everything to her. Well, not eeeeeverything, but a lot of things about what I want to do coming up here, like next year, and the year after that...I'm supposed to be going to a four-year after a year at EvCC, but I think I want to live in Seattle coming up soon....

I don't know...my plans don't fit together right, I just know they're there.

-megan.

Tell Me Lover, Are You Lonely?

Mood: Okay. So.
iTunes: Babies of the 80's - Something Corporate

It's been a long, emotional, freaking retarded day. And now I'm sitting here...it's midnight. I'm applying for college. I have this burning desire to see Seattle in all it's nighttime glory again, and I want to walk and feel the cement and be cold and awake and happy and creative again. And I want to see something new, and I want to see something no one's ever seen before, and I want to be alone, and I'm scared to be alone at the same time. I want Mexican food. I also have an intense craving for tandoori chicken, but butter chicken would fill the hole. Orange chicken would too, for that matter.

I want to go to bed, and finish this stupid application in the morning. I want to go to Egypt, and Montana, and Portland, and Oceanside, and I don't want to see Everett anymore. I want to drive somewhere far away and start almost completely over again.

And none of this is an option.

But I can pretend...?

-megan.

Hmm.

I almost died, like, 800 times today. It was mostly scary...but I think I recovered pretty well. For almost smashing into a telephone pole, and other cars, and then spinning out on the freeway.

And...I'm exhausted. I should be in bed...

So, goodnight.

-megan.

You're My Good Feeling

Mood: Kinda...weird
iTunes: She Paints Me Blue - Something Corporate

Why is the middle of the night so weird? I can say and do so much in the middle of the night that I never could or would during the day. Why can't it be the other way around? There's never anyone else around in the middle of the night. Although, it's a great time to think, and write, and figure things out...

Such as why I never think I'm good enough for anyone. As in everyone around me deserves someone better. I'm a dysfunctional family member, a crappy example to my brothers, a terrible student, I'm lazy at work, and I have little to no talent in anything.

And whenever anyone shows the slightest bit that they might care about me, why do I get terrified and think I should leave whoever it was behind? It makes no sense to me. And I can't explain it, it's just always been that way...

-megan.

Michael

mike,
originally uploaded by today is boring.

Mike wanted me to write a blog about him, so here it is, because he's amazing and he deserves it. But...I don't know what to say. Other than...he is some kind of genius, only I'm not sure what kind...the good kind. And...he is a camera hog, but he takes amazing pictures. Even if he does try to take pictures of me too often. It's okay. And we've been going out for two months now, and that seems like a loooong time, but I'm not sure why. It's not, really, i guess.

Yes, he is my favorite, by the way.

-megan.

p.s. i love him, even though i only half-know him

Maybe I Can Do It, If I Put My Back Into It

Mood: Sad
iTunes: Ways & Means - Snow Patrol

I stayed home today. I went to school, and couldn't, so I left. I might go back, I might not. If I don't start feeling better in the very near future I'm going to kill something...hasn't it been long enough?

Anyway...umm...I went to the Y last night, that was fun. And I get paid tomorrow! And I have a few checks for various things coming in over the next couple weeks, so maybe I won't run out of gas anymore! I put a whole $3.85 in this morning, which got me....a little over a gallon.

Yay.

-megan.

Now?

Mood: Sweaty, and ick.
iTunes: Nothing...

Why is it always right around now, under these circumstances when all I can do is sit and be concerned and wait. And wait. That's all I ever do...at home, anyway.

I need something. I'm not sure what it is. A change. Of some kind.

Not drastic. There are a lot of things I want to say right now, to someone, not anyone, and I can't. Because I don't understand it...

-megan.

Oh, Hurray, Mindlessness

Mood: Good enough
iTunes: Nothing

DId you know that if you were quietly reading you could spend all day in a bathrrom stall at the library, probably? Like, if you had to. What sicko is going to interrupt you in there, honestly? If you were clever enough, you could even stay there all night. I should try that someday.

Oh, great, now I'm the girl who's life goal is to spend the night in a nasty library bathroom stall. That's great.

Oh, and also, did you know that ever copy of "The Devil Wears Prada" in Everett is checked out? Also, I'm running out of nasty chick-lit books to read, and I can't remember the name of the blog site that had a huge list of them.

And I hate my camera. No, I don't, I'm lying. But I want a new one, with a better macro thingy...I guess I could just ask for an actual macro lense for some upcoming...giftgiving occasion...

By the way. My knee, ankle, and right wrist are all sore. I'm never exercising again.

I'm lying. It was fun. Especially the cardio workout....thingy...where I burned a whole 90 calories during one chapter of my book...that was short...and absolutely hilarious.

Um...goodnight.

-megan.

Ever!!

I am officially the worst person ever.

I should work on things.

-megan.

Today

For being a day off school it sure sucked. I was supposed to bring Mike to the airport with me, but I didn't. Which sucked, at first, but then it was okay because I got to be alone for a longer time than I have been in a while, really, and it was good thinking-time. Not that I don't like being with him, because those are the best times, and tonight was especially good, but I don't know why. Anyway, being alone is good once in a while. Except then I have time to think about what it really was that made me screw up my life earlier this year, like badly. Then I get reminded about how things are now and how much better they are and how I hope they stay like this for a really really really long time...yay for run-on sentences!

-megan.

Observed

Mood: Oh...
iTunes: Nothing

• There is a cat with paws the size of Texas thumping around upstairs.
• My foot is numb.
• More than half of my right thigh is covered in an enormous bruise.
• I still can't dance.
• Yahoo games suck.
• I want a fishy!
• But a kitten would suffice, or two kittens.

I'm tired, you!!

-megan.

It's Not Even 12 Yet

I think that the worst feeling in the world is when you let something destroy, but then you let something else fix it....because then you let everything they do affect you way more than it ever should, and then you feel retarded.

I was thinking about that last night, and then this morning, and then now, obviously.

The worst part is that I didn't have to let it hurt me. I could have easily listened to everything everyone else was saying and ran.

It would have made me about a million times happier, that's for sure...

-megan.

I Have Nothing To Say

Actually I have lots to say, I just can't say it.

There are a lot of things I can't say and I don't think I cn even put into words how absolutely fucking frustrating I find that. In fact, I would say that I haven't cried because I was sad or hurt in a very very long time, it's mostly always been because I was so annoyed with my crazy inability to just SAY it.

I'm officially the worst, but also the best. And, my wrist and ankle hurt so bad I think I might just amputate.

-megan.

Visit Number Two

Mood: Mildly Concerned...
iTunes: Run - Snow Patrol

"So, last time you mentioned that you'd been burned pretty badly when you were younger. How much of that do you remember?"
"Um...I remember what I was wearing, and that it melted, kind of, and I remember playing with toys in this huge silver tub, when they did the debridement...That's about it."
"Do you remember anything else? What about things parents and relatives have told you about that time?"
"Let's see here..."

Tonight we talked about how traumatized and in general just how fucked up I really am.

Well...no, not really, but I never realized it before.

I don't think I want to talk about it.

-megan.

Visit Number One

Mood: None
iTunes: None

"So, Megan, how would you describe yourself?"
"Uh...myself?"
"Yes, you. What makes you tick? How do you think others see you? What do you like to do? I want to know about you. I've seen you around, at church and things, but I've never talked to you."
"Um, well..."

I hate these conversations. I'm not friendly, I don't do much, I'm an extremely private person, when it comes to things that actually matter and count, and I'm almost always a completely different person. And if there' one ting I hate above all other things, it's being asked if I'm okay. Not because I hate being asked, but I never know what the answer is. And just about every time, I feel like crying, for no apparent reason. If you ask and I don't start crying right there, you can be positive I'll cry myself to sleep that night.

"...Yes?"
"...Yeah. I honestly don't know how."

And then an hour went by and we ended up talking about cameras.

Oh, and side note...102 entries and I'm still introducing myself. Says something, doesn't it?

-megan.

When

Mood: Bored. Hot. Pretty alright!!
iTunes: Nothing

WHen did I get to be so paranoid? Like, I got this huge inexplicable fear somewhere that things can't be like this forever. Who decided that I had to be the most paranoid person ever? I think I manage to hide it okay, except for randomly when I decide to be retarded...

It's like a million degrees outside today. No, seriously. A million.

-megan.

Can't someone...

Mood: Tired, sad, lonely, bored...and curious
iTunes: June, Summer, Rose - Umbrellas

...tell me what they think of me? In all it's entirety and honesty?

I don't think I really know how theme that everyone else does. I think that I spend way too much time lying to everyone else I don't know what to tell myself. Although, I don't lie exactly everyone, there is one person that I couldn't lie to if I tried, probably, I would just fail. Um... Yeah.

Also, I wish that I could be lessselfish and bitchy and all around retarded. I don't think I show things enough...maybe that's why I'm in counseling.

And I need to stopdoing stupid things just to reassure myself of things I already know. All it does is hurt people, maybe, but at any rate I feel sad when I do it. I don't know how that's any different than any other time....

-megan.

p.s. This is the 100th entry...it's been a while, hasn't it.

I'm Sick Today

Mood: Death!!!!
iTunes: Otherside - Red Hot Chili Peppers

I got myself all sick and stuff, and now I feel like shooting myself right in the head wouldn't be a bad thing.

And I'm bored. Out of my mind. I have exhausted my supply of websites to amuse me, and now what!! Help me out here, guys. It's your duty, as my reader.

-megan.

How?! Why?!

Mood: Yay!
iTunes: Amphetamines - Eve 6

Today was good...! For no real specific reason, other than...I didn't die. Or break any bones. Or have anyone else die, that I would be concerned about dying.

I took my cat for a car ride yesterday. Mike and I went to the gas station to put air in my tires, and Hershey wouldn't get out of the car. So I left him in there, on my lap, and drove away. He did alright...he didn't throw up, or poop, or anything. He was scared though. Because he wedged himself in between a t.v. and a pile of blankets while we were putting the air in. And every time I looked in to make sure he wasn't breaking things, or making messes, he meowed. Really loud. (I jsut almsot spelled that "lowd".) On the way home, we were like a block away, and he looks up and lets out this, like, minute long meow, and then got half his body stuck in between Mike's seat and the door.

I think I'll take him more places with me, he's fun to drive with.

-megan.

Some days...

Mood: Annoyed, a little.
iTunes: Detroit - Rancid

I opened this, and now I have nothing to say. Oh. Today sucks. I woke up like 20 ,minutes late and had 5 minutes to get ready, and then I was late to school, and then I realized I'd forgotten my backpack.

Thaaaat's interesting...

-megan.

This is how I feel

Mood: Bklajfihewfiuw! Just.
iTunes: Where'd You Go - Fort Minor

Fort Minor is the best - plus they hang out with 50 Cent. I'm jealous.

Today I spit gum on the sidewalk. It was bright orange, and i soon found myself looking at all the other gum on the ground and I noticed that mine sticks out like crazy because all the other was white or gray.

Umm...I haven't slept really in days.

DAYS.

-megan.

Weirdest Day Ever...!

Mood: The best!
iTunes: Get Back [Remix] - Ludacris Feat.....SUM 41...wtf!!!

Yeah, so, discovered this song this morning...it's suuuhweet! I have no idea why it even exists...it's just plain weird.

Anyway. I got to school twenty minutes late, ran into guy and skipped with him, chilled in various parking lots, discovered THE BEST CD I HAVE EVER HEARD, got confetti thrown at me, got a voicemail from someone standing right next to me, found the candiest belt buckle I have ever seen (except for the knucks)...yes I have been busy. And I did just use the word candiest.

And now I'm gonna go finish it off by shooting myself in the eyeball.

-megan.

I think...

Mood: Good...?
iTunes: Drain The Blood - The Distillers

I think I'm really just annoying. I decided that today, actually, like 5 minutes ago.

Actually, I've known that for a really long time, but I've never really cared. I still don't, don't worry, nothing's going anywhere.

I just proved that there was no point in posting this. At all. Not even a little.

I want a project. Not just any project, I already have the stupid CE. No, I think I want an entertaining photo project. Like this, but way different, obviously. I don't copy.

-megan.

I Think I'm Genius

Mood: Yay!
iTunes: Nothing

I just discovered this website. And-AND-it makes me feel like a complete and total genius.

It's this little like game for children, I guess, that deals with stem cell research. Basically you're trying to create these different kinds of cells. Super entertaining, but it gets really boring when you realize they tell you exactly what to do if you look hard enough...

-megan.

Ohh man!!

Mood: Good! It's been that way for...like a week!
iTunes: A.D.I.D.A.S - Korn

Well, it's been about a million years...nothing real exciting has happened. At all. Umm...

Yeah.

Oh, umm...

Yeah nevermind. I'll let you know if anything exciting happens. Don't worry!!

-megan.

For The Millionth Time...

Mood: GAH I'm pissed but in a humorous and kind of sickeningl happy way.
iTunes: I-E-A-I-A-I-O - System Of A Down (This song works well with my mood.)

Guys shouldn't even have to be told this:

If you're going to cause me/my friends severe emotional pain because you're basically retarded, at least date UP. So then we can hate her without feeling bad because she's uglier/more annoying than us, and she doesn't need a guy like you to make people hate her. At least do us that favor. We realize our hatred might be misdirected, but that doesn't make it ANY EASIER to change it.

And also, when you just flat out reject us...see above.

For the record I finally don't like him anymore, I'm more just really really disgusted with him. GROOOOOSSS...

-megan.

It's the worst

Mood: Sick
iTunes: Life Less Ordinary - Carbon Leaf

Blake got me sick.

-megan.

Photoblog

I made a photoblog:

http://orangesmiles2.blogspot.com

-megan.

Do You Speak American?

Mood: Pretty good
iTunes: My Humps - Black Eyed Peas (I hate this song, for the record)

Aparently, third-year Spanish is THE place for hearing sophisticated white adult male narrators for educational videos use the words "pro-nasty, " and "hos."

We watched the worst video ever made today, entitled "Do You Speak American?"

You should go buy the box set...only $69.99!

Thank you, KCTS9!

-megan.

What a great deal...

Mood: Pretty freaking amazing
iTunes: I-E-A-I-A-I-O - System Of A Down

I get to go tell my best friend in the whole world that I'm grounded...but just from seeing her. How do you even do that? It wouldn't be so bad if I was like, "Oh, yeah, my parents are retarded, I know."

But it's not like that...I agree with them. Like, I'm allowed to hang out all I want with my nonmember friedns and a select few from church, but not my closest friend ever.

And that makes sense to me.

What do I saaaay?!

-megan.

HAHA...I cut back.

1. Silikon - Modeselektor & Sasha Perera - This is the weirdest sog ever. I hate electronica.
2. If I Die - Something Corporate - Probably their most boring song ever.
3. Get Low - Lil Jon - Yeah. I do realize that none of these three songs so far have even the slightest thing in common. I didn't used to think my tastes were that varied...
4. Fit But You Know It - The Streets - I just like their voices. And the fact that he tells the girl how annoying she is. I think I jsut heard that...yeah.
5. Firelight - Snow Patrol - This song is kinda boring after a while too. A lot of their songs are kinda the same, if you dig into their older stuff deep enough.
6. Wasted And Ready - Ben Kweller - He sits on a giant strawberry in the video for this song. And sex really actually has nothing to do with spaghetti.
7. New Slang - The Shins - This song is pretty...that's about it.
8. Graceland - The New Pornographers - Everybody who has ever looked at my iPod has shrieked, PORN?! as soon as this song came on. Uh...no. Sorry.
9. Line And Sinker - Billy Talent - Nothing new to say here.
10. Acoustic #3 - Goo Goo Dolls - Yeah, you try playing this song. It sounds easy, doesn't it? YEAH WELL IT'S NOT.

-megan.

...What about it?

Mood: Good but tired.
iTunes: What About Everything? - Carbon Leaf

Slapstick writing isn't funny anymore. Give it up, certain unnamed blogger I have been reading for over a year.

-megan.

Hey Where You At

Mood: ...nothing
iTunes: Mr. Jack - System Of A Down

...I don't even know.

I think I did the right thing. And I think I'm happy.

-megan.

None

Mood: ICKY
iTunes: Prison Song - System Of A Down

So. I'm not a parent, I know.

But it seems to me that when your daughter comes to you with something that maybe you don't understand, and maybe it hurts, the best thing to do is not make her cry until she pukes.

Just a thought.

Needless to say I feel like shit today, and I have no phone, and no car, and I don't want to go home, and it's snowy, and cold, and...did I mention I don't want to go home?

Although things have been going really well at school today. I don't know why, they are just good. But it really doesn't help.

-megan.

Considerate

Mood: Good!!
iTunes: Hynotize - System Of A Down

I have decided it's the best thing ever when various 17-year-old boys that I like call me from hanging out with their mom at preschool.

Even if they are suspended for drinking and being a moron in general.

But it's okay, because today is the last day of that whole issue and he'll be back at school tomorrow.

And I am a little too excited about that, or so Zanna tells me. But it'll be a good time, really.

-megan.

Now I'm confused

Mood: Still bad. Worse, even. Bad bad bad.
iTunes: Ghost - Umbrellas

Boys are stupid. And I'm pretty sure that's the biggest understatement ever.

But I still have my caramel-raspberry frappucinos.

And my iPod.

1. Bittersweet Symphony [Cover] - Something Corporate - I have no less than 3 versions of this song. This one's the worst, it cuts off like right in the middle. And it's live. Eh.
2. Pull My Hair - Bright Eyes - This is good...one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs. I used to listen to it for hours on end, not really sure why.
3. Old Soul Song - Bright Eyes - Sad. Just.
4. The Calendar Hung Itsef - Bright Eyes - What is this? Jeez. I love this song, though. Reminds me of someone.
5. You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison - My Chemical Romance - I once heard this song referred to as "homoerotic." I don't see it, but maybe I'm not listening hard enough.
6. Open Road Song -Eve 6 - You should go listen to this song while driving out on roads on Camano Island in the middle of summer in my car with me. It's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced, I think. And I've experienced lots of amazing things.
7. Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden - Before now, the last time I heard this song I was working in the WebbSki rental shop. No joke, they found a "NOW!" CD from AGES ago and then listened to it. Because they hadn't quit drinking until four hours before that, and had three Rockstars for breakfast. YEAH, BOYS.
8. Better Together - Jack Johnson - I used to hate Jack Johnson with a passion, but we're cool now, don't worry.
9. The Key To Gramercy Park - Deadsy - Yeah, I've got my underground goth rock. Where's yours? Go watchthe video for this, by the way. Pretty sure I'm in love with...uh, what's his anme. With the guitar and eyeliner.
10. In Other Words - Ben Kweller - This song used to make me sad. Now it makes me think.
11. My Friends Over You - Newfound Glory - I think that parts of this apply amazingly to me right now.
12. Wayfarer - Hot Water Music - I like this song. I rarely listen to it, and thusly have nothing to say about it.
13. Zombie - Cranberries - Her voice kinda scares me. I still like it.
14. Girl - Beck - I hate Beck. So much. And for no real reason, either. But this song is okay...for the frist two times. After that, it's like, 'EGHHSJDH I'm going to murder myself.'
15. Californa Uber Alles - Dead Kennedies - Kinda creepy. And it reminds me of my...younger brother who is GINORMOUS. Good song though.

-megan.

Who even

Mood: I'm not happy
iTunes: Hurt - Nine Inch Nails

So, pretty sure that I spent the night at Zanna's house on Saturday night, along with a couple other girls, right. Apparently, one of their moms is accusing us of drinking, at her house.

AT HER HOUSE.

I think what pisses me off the most, is that she thinks we're dumb enough to do that. Honestly, if we were going to do something like that, we would pull it off.

Anyway. Now she's checking all our MySpaces and calling our parents to tell them if we have anything that's at all suggestive or whatever.

Luckily the group of people I hang out with is almost as well organized as some kind of gang, and I heard about this fairly early on. But still.

She accused me of drinking, and then told my parents. And my dad wouldn't even look at me last night. That hurts me a lot more than almost anything anyone could do to me. I kind of hope she knows that we're no longer 4, we're actually quite a lot older, and she may have fucked with a lot of people who have kind of a lot to hide, and this sounds really retarded, I'm aware, but we're mostly really good at hiding what we need to. Also she should know that if one of us goes down, we all do. And she'll no longer have the perfect youth program filled with happy teenagers she thought she did. Not even close.

-megan.

I admit it

Mood: Okay...
iTunes: She's Like Heroin - System Of A Down

It's 100% impossible to be a good judge of your own pictures, I think. Or any art, for that matter. I don't know why, but I can't look at a picture that someone has told me is good and think it is. Maybe it's because I was there, and I saw it for what it really was, and I know that it really wasn't as cool as it seems. Maybe it's because I took the picture in such a way that it would look a lot better than it was.

Same with my writing. That's why I quit letting other people read what I've written, for the most part. They would tell me it was good, and I would never believe them. Ever. I don't think that anything I have ever written is any good, even though everyone I've let read it has told me it is.

I'm not saying any of this because I'm looking for compliments or I'm bragging. I do get complimented a lot on my pictures, and my writing, but I think I'm saying that I don't believe any of it.

And I kind of want to know when I get to start believing. Do I have to have a degree in it before I agree that yeah, maybe I have a little talent?

I think the reason I don't believe is because I'm not hearing it fom the right people. It means a lot, no matter who it's from, don't get me wrong. But I think that not hearing it from, like, my parents makes it a lot harder. Just because they're not saying it doesn't mean it's not true, or whatever, but...

I don't know. Nevermind.

-megan.

This is not a good day...

Mood: Pretty bad.
iTunes: Vicinity of Obscenity - System Of A Down

Yeah, so, pretty sure it's one of those days where I feel like absolute crap...As in like I'm nauseas, and i have a crazy headache, and I think that my internal organs are going to explode shortly, for various reasons I refuse/don't know enough to discuss.

And I fell down the stairs in the science building toay. It was mostly hilarious. And I broke my shoe...now I need to go buy new chucks.

Anyway. Bet you didn't know this was coming...

1. Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
2. Teenage Kicks [Cover] - Snow Patrol
3. Reactionary - Umbrellas - This is one band I'm glad I listened to. Normally when people reccomend artists, that makes me 100 times less likely to listen to them, but I tried this CD and it is one of the most amazing I have ever heard.
4. Get Stoned - Hinder - This song is entirely about sex and drugs. As in there is no other content. But I love it.
5. The Authority Song - Jimmy Eat World - This song makes me think of summer.
6. X - System Of A Down - I hated this song the first few times I heard it. It's not my favorite, but it's still good.
7. Always On My Mind - Phantom Planet - This song is adorable! That's all.
8. Beating Heart Baby - Head Automatica
9. I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance - This song reminds me of sumer as well. Usually I get tired of songs after the first million times I hear them, but for some reason I'm not tired of this one yet. Also it used to be my ringtone, so it still makes me want to answer my phone when I hear it.
10. Nothing I Say - Elevenestate - You've probably never heard of this band...and that's okay. I first heard them at a concert in this guy's basement...One of those thigns I'll be able to say when they're famous. Also the lead singer touched my hand. Um. On accident.
11. The Hardest Part - Coldplay
12. Hijo De La Luna - Sarah Brightman - I saw her in concert, at the Rose Garden in Portland, OR. It was mostly amazing.
13. Here I Am - The Explosion
14. Crazy In Love [Cover] - Snow Patrol - Their covers are just the best.
15. I Won't Ever Be Happy Again - Bright Eyes - Pretty sure that at the moment, this feels like my theme song. But tomorrow...

-megan.

An Independent Study Of Everett

Mood: Hurt
iTunes: Radio/Video - System Of A Down

I have the most amazing first period ever, I'm pretty sure. Basically it equals that I sit in a coffee shop/cafe of my choosing for an hour and do homework/read/eat/hang out with Lisa before I have to worry about being anywhere. Today we went and ate raspberry scones and peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies and discussed the states of our not-boyfriends. Her's is named Justin, and last night he told her he loved her-a big no-no if you're a not boyfriend, and not a real boyfriend.

...And mine...well. Is an idiot, mostly. His stepdad made him go to Virginia for a week because he doesn't trust him, or something. At any rate, I most likely won't see him again at all till February 14th. Provided he does in fact come back from Virginia. But I'm not that pessimistic.

But anyway. Also, spring break this year is going to be mostly amazing, because my family is going on vacation and leaving me home by myself for a week. Pretty sure we all know what that means...no curfew! And this excites me to no end.

-megan.

Not today...

Mood: BLECH.
iTunes: Atwa - System Of A Down

So. Anything I might say today is probably going to make me sound like some kind of deranged/depressed homicidal freak, so I'm gonna go with the whole shuffle thing..again. Because we both know you're so not sick of it yet. Here goes.

1. Alive & Amplified - The Mooney Suzuki - HOLYSHIT this is possibly the MOST amazing song ever. Well. Maybe not. But it's actually one of my favorites and I sort of forgot it existed...oops. Thank you, uh...whoever controls shuffling?
2. Line And Sinker - Billy Talent - Hmm. It's a good song. My little brother was the one who made me listen to it first. All his songs sounds...basically the same, so if you like one, you're set.
3. Chariot - Gavin DeGraw - I don't know why I'm not sick of this song yet. It's catchy, I guess.
4. Helter Skelter - The Beatles - This is actually my favorite Beatles song. I don't really know why, but it is. That creeps some people out, which doesn't really make sense to me, but whatver.
5. Fine Again - Seether - I saw them in concert once, and it was lame. But this song isn't too lame. Depressing and it kinda reminds me of when I was totally mental, but not quite lame.
6. Silhouette Serenade - Vendetta Red - This song is actually my ringtone. It made me cry at first, but now I just love it.
7. Grind On Me - Pretty Ricky - Um. I ahve no efelings for this song, really. I mean, it's good, I guess, kinda gross, but I'm too lazy to take it off my iPod.
8. Your Body - Pretty Ricky - Ok. The only two Pretty Ricky songs I have, out of 1272 songs total, and they play right after each other. Great. Really, Pretty Ricky is definitely not one of my favorites. For some reason it's important for you to know this.
9. Miserable - LIT - SAD. Well, not really, but at the same time. I think it's because I associate this song with times that were a lot funner and happier.
10. This Cocaine Makes Me Feel Like I'm On This Song - System Of A Down - I couldn't stand this song the first million times I heard it. Now it's one of my favorites. And actually, most of their songs are like that. They're just plain weird. But lovable.
11. Baby One More Time [Cover] - Bowling For Soup - I'm not entirely sure that Bowling For Soup is the actual artist. And I don't really care. It's good. And I can enjoy the song without people being all, "Ewww...Why is Britney Spears on your iPod? We're not friends anymore..."
12. For No One - The Beatles - Hmm...one of my favorite songs. Period. It's good.
13. Space - Something Corporate - In all honesty Something Corporate is one of my favorite bands ever. They are amazing. And this is probably my favorite song from them.
14. Stars And Boulevards - Augustana - I got this one for free from iTunes. I love it.It's amazing. The end.
15. Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These - Eurythmics - This song is one of two 80's songs that was good...if it even came from the 80s. Great. Now I don't even know, and I'm a liar, and I'm retarded. Anyway. The other one is by MC Hammer...And I think we all know which one I'm talking about.

There. See? Now you don't have to listen to me whine, for once. Instead you can read my boring playlists...Agh. Sorry. I have nothing interesting that is good to discuss.

-megan.

Note to self...

Mood: Blah.
iTunes: Nothing...yet.

Note to self:

No more dating losers who get suspended for weeks on end for stupid things that they did without telling you. That equals lame, and it also equals you get caught text messaging by teachers who hate that.

-megan.

Enough about me...

Mood: Bored...excited...worried...mostly worried.
iTunes: Nothing

So. As kind of a disclaimer, I knew that the guy I am kind of dating (from here on he will be known as my not-boyfriend) was a loser before I started getting interested in him. So this kind of thing is to be expected. But honestly, I still like him even though he is a total and complete moron and I'm not very happy at the moment but he is still my not-boyfriend.

Anyway.

He got himself emergency expelled for 10 days, and if he doesn't go to drug and alcohol counseling it'll be 20. Yeah, because he decided to go off campus and drink during third period on the last day of the semester.

I have no idea why. Becuase he is a moron. And I went to his work yesterday and yelled at him.

But that's why my week sucked, mostly. And now I don't get to see him at all because not only will he not be at school but he is totally grounded and his cell phone got taken away.

MAN I have amazing taste in boys.

-megan.

I'm feeling uncreative today so...

Mood: Good! And you?
iTunes: So Much For The Afterglow - Everclear

I'm gonna do the whole first-15-songs thing again. And if you're lucky I'll add a little commentary here and there.

1. Small Town Trap - Eve 6 - I don't even remember the last time I heard this song. But the whole CD is amazing.
2. You Spin Me Round [Cover] - Marilyn Manson - This is a good song...um. It's the only Marilyn Manson song I've ever heard/cared enough to listen through. Maybe because it's not original.
3. Long, Long, Long - The Beatles - For some reason this song makes me really really inexplicably sad. Usually songs only make me sad when I associate them with something, but this one is just eerily...sad.
4. Blue - Eiffel 65 - I thought I was cool when these guys were. I was wrong. And then I turned 17, and I was all, "Hey, man, that CD was amazing!" So I put it on my iPod.
5. Tipsy [Remix] - J-Kwon - This song was amazing the first time, and the remix is even better. Becuse this time they use letters instead of numbers. And the swearing is different.
6. What Happened To Us? - Hoobastank - This song reminds me of Seattle. I'm not really sure why. But it makes me sad too, because it reminds me of taking trains which makes me want to run away.
7. Honey - Moby - This song is from the movie Holes. It's repetitive and annoying, but lovable. Kinda like a toddler.
8. Never Again - Nickelback - This song is sad, but in an angry way...um. It's about domestic abuse...not fun stuff. But the song itself is good.
9. I'll Be There [Cover] - Me First & The Gimme Gimmes - I don't care too much for much of their stuff, but they do have several redeeming songs. This is one of them.
10. Hooch - Sum 41 - This song is interesting because it seems like 2 different songs BUT THEY ARE THE SAME. If I'm thinknig of the right song...Yeah. I'm not. Damn.
11. My Heart Will Go On [Cover] - New Found Glory - Apparently I'm all about the covers today. Interesting.
12. Honest Mistake - The Bravery
13. I Touch Myself [Cover] - Eve 6 - What is this? Odd. I like this song because it's a live version, and somewhere in the middle they jsut start talking about something random, I don't know what because I wasn't there, but it's interesting because they manage use the most random conversation to segue right back into the song.
14. Music When The Lights Go Down - The Libertines - This song is like, perky and upbeat, (kind of), but still really sad if you listen to the words. I don't know why, and it may not be evident from my lists, but I have a special place in my heart for breakup songs. This is at the top of my list. By the way, I discovered it because it was on Daniel Radcliffe's (Harry Potter) celebrity playlist on iTunes.
15. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World - One of the saddest songs you will ever hear. In your entire life. In fact I highly reccomend that you go listen to it and cry, which you will, becuase if you don't, you are either not listening hard enough or you DON'T HAVE A SOUL. Thank you.

You got lucky, there's a lot of my own writing in there. Wow.

-megan.

I really am a loser on the inside

Mood: I'm happy. For a little bit.
iTunes: Cigaro - System Of A Down

Yeah, so, pretty sure that I had a mostly terrible weekend. I got to work late Friday night, so I had to teach a different class than normal which totally threw me off. Then I woke up there Saturday morning and hey decided to grace me with an All-Day Kids class - these classes are the absolute same thing as hell. It was awful, mostly. But I don't think it's fun to talk about it.

Then I came home, to find out that Zanna's boyfriend dumped her for some stupid stuff that happened, and he was an ass about it. It makes me really worried, but I think that things will turn out okay after a couple days...I hope.

Anyway. Lots of drama. And it's all really interesting, and pointless, and I'll miss it in a few months after I graduate, but only if I don't mess up. Again.

-megan.

Because I Know You Care So Much

Mood: I'm in an interesting mood today.

So. Today, because you're just that lucky, I'm going to post a list of the first fifteen songs that play on my iPod when I turn it on. So you can get an idea of what I like and you'll stop reccomending things like...(instert random crappy band here, because I honestly can't think of anything at the moment.)

1. Crazy In Love (Cover) - Snow Patrol
2. Subbacultcha - Pixies
3. A Celebration Upon Completion - Bright Eyes
4. If You Don't, Don't - Jimmy Eat World
5. Martha My Dear - The Beatles
6. Lizzy - Ben Kweller
7. Luxerious [Remix] - Gwen Stefani ft. Slim Thug
8. Me And The Moon - Something Corporate
9. Playa You Don't Know - Slim Thug
10. Living In The Shadows - Billy Talent
11. Feel Good Inc. - Gorillaz
12. Ain't Heard Of That - Slim Thug ft. Bun B
13. I Am A Heart Watson The Rest Of Me Is Mere Appendix - Forgive Durden
14. Still Waiting - Sum 41
15. Dracostea Din Tai (Numa Numa) - O-Zone

Ooh, before I leave: Hey, stop reading over my shoulder!!!

-megan.

Pretend I'm not here.

Mood: Eh. More or less lots of things.
iTunes: The Hardest Part - Coldplay

I think. That I made a decision and I let everyone know too soon. Because now I want to take it back but I don't know how to bring it up without it being a little bit awkward and whatever. And also I'm not sure that the other person involved would go for it. What happened to that little bit of fake confidence I had? Why did it go away, besides the obvious? When can I get it back?

Hopefully soon or I'm going to drive myself completely insane.

-megan.

So, until now...

Mood: Interesting. This.
iTunes: The City Has Sex With Itself - Bright Eyes

I fell again at school. I should probably start getting used to it. I was walking down the stairs in the front of the A building, and I guess my Converse just plain suck. And they want to be replaced. They are tired of walking through mud puddles, and being full of holes, and covered in writing.

So they decide to give out on me at the worst times, like when I am walking down stairs in front of a whoooole bunch of people I don't know, and when I am walking through really really muddy patches of grass.

Anyway. I was just realizing that before I started writing this, I had so many interesting things happening to me that I could write about.

Now, I still have all those interesting things happening, and they happen so much more often, but I can't just write about them. Because they are not only my secrets to share. And I would feel traitorous and bad if I shared them with who-knows-who.

I dunno why, but I guess I just wanted you to know that my life is not nearly as boring as it seems on here. We'll see.

-megan.

No title can summarize my weekend

Mood: Kind of..I don't know what you'd call it?
iTunes: The Sour And The Sweet - Forgive Durden

So.

I'm alive. Somehow. It has been the strangest weekend of my entire life. It started out totally normally, I sprained my ankle for the umpteenth time snowboarding, then I had to teach a skiing class Saturday morning on said sprained ankle (I also don't ski. Those kids learned hella.) Saturday night was fairly uneventful...I hung out with Zanna and we went and bought a car charger for my phone because my brother left my wall charger up at work. And we hung out at the Albertson's for a while where Zanna stabbed herself in the face with the corner of a cheese-ball package. It was funny...for a while.

Sunday....was Sunday. My dad got called as the bishop of my ward...That should be interesting. Um. That's all for Sunday. That you get to know, anyway.

Monday I got to sleep in! For once! I was so happy. And then I woke up at 8am and couldn't get back to sleep to save my life. There was a church thing and I played DDR and hung out with Zanna and Spencer and I discovered that my life is SO like interesting.

Or, not my life, per se, but there are things that are screwed up that totally affect my life, which is screwed up enough as it is. Just know that the three of us will kick your ass when it comes to having an amazing time with friends.

Um. By the way, I want a set of brass knuckles for my birthday.

-megan.

Awkward is...

Mood: Everything...I realize this is the vaguest answer in the world. Get used to it.
iTunes: Bandages - Hot Hot Heat

-Going into a public bathroom stall so quietly that not one member of the dance team realizes you're in there and continues to discuss their deepest secrets, completely unaware that there is a nosy teenaged blogger girl right in the middle of it all.

-Doing the above, then waiting for the entire dance team to leave, only to have some weird girl come in after them and sing to herself (kind of quietly, but still audibly) while she was going to the bathroom.

-Having aforementioned girl talk to you in an endless stream about nothing in particular the entire time you are both washing your hands, then following you halfway to your classroom.

I think that it's time for the weekend, such as it is.

-megan.

That Was Alter Ego

Mood: Yuck yuck yuck.
iTunes: Sorry Sorry - Rooney

I'm getting a haircut today. And I think I'm getting my eyebrows waxed, too. It's about time. I hate plucking.

I'm nervous. I don't know why, the woman who's cutting my hair is the one who always cuts it and it always ends up looking perfect. Normally I don't get nervous about haircuts. Maybe it's because I haven't had my hair cut since this summer.

I better go find something better to do.

-megan.

I Wouldn't Notice

Mood: Everything..!
iTunes: Dark Blue - Jack's Mannequin

Blogger is being silly, and whenever I click a link to an entry I've written or try to look at my blog it tells me I don't have permisson. I don't have permission to read what I thought I wrote.

Oh well. It'll work itself out sooner or later.

I have a three-day weekend. Which, for me, equals one day off. One day off. I don't get a weekend, for the time being, and I am pissed as hell about it, in case you haven't heard me mention it at some other point.

Here's my weekend: I leave at around 3 pm on Friday. I teach a class at 7 pm. I spend the night up there, and wake up at 7:30 am. I work till 3:15 pm. I sit around Saturday afternoon/night after the 2 hour-long drive home, and then bitch and moan to whoever will listen about how bored I am. This goes on till around 10, when my parents come down and make me go to bed. Then I have church and various other stupid meetings starting at 11:30 am on Sunday, and then I go to bed and my week starts over again.

So, a three-day weekend is AMAZING for me. Because I get to sleep in until 9, but no later because my stupid body clock hates life/me. But I have amazing-looking plans, possibly...And I am a little bit excited or something like that.

Um...When will people start taking me seriously? I'm 17. Not four. I know I act like it. At least sometimes. But I know when it matters and when it doesn't, really. I'm getting really really really mad about people who think that I...I can't even think of words for it, because I really don't know what their problem is. But it should stop.

Anyway. Have a nice afternoon.

-megan.

Psst....

There is a girl sitting like 5 feet to my right who stops what she is doing at random intervals to stare at me with her eyes half closed. I'm nervous.

-megan.

I'm The Best

Mood: Hahaha...I'm hyper.
iTunes: Out Of My Mind - James Blunt

I have done it. I made it through all of my freshman, sophomore, and junior years without doing it. And halfway through my senior year, it happens. It was bound to happen-no one graduates from this school without it happening at least once on campus.

I slipped and fell, on my butt. It was the most hilarious and amsing thing to happen to me in like weeks. I haven't laughed that hard in...quite a while. Zanna was with me, and the first thing she said, "Did you see the LOOK on your face?!"

Uh, no, Zanna, can't say that I did.

But don't worry. We took a picture of the aftermath. See, normal kids fall inside, on the stairs, which are like shower stalls filled with shampoo when they are wet.

I, of course, haaad to fall outside, on the muddiest bit of grass in all of Everett.

It was amazing. I drove home and changed and then came back to school and got right online to tell the world about it, because I'm just that kind of cool. There will be a picture later.

-megan.

I Crashed I Burned

Mood: Death. Just.
iTunes: One of These Things First - Nick Drake

I think I might have lie a million burst organs.

My stomach hurts. Not just a little bit of hungry-edge hurting, or even a little bit of nausea or indigestion.

No.

It hurts to the point where every time i move my leg or touch my stomach or move it in any way, it feels like it's about to tear through my skin and attack everything in sight. It hurts.

Yet I am still at school, because my mother doesn't believe that there's anything wrong with me. Also I still have to go to work today.

I'm not happy.

-megan.

Why?

Mood: ...I don't have one.
iTunes: Talk To Me, Dance With Me - Hot Hot Heat

I don't have anything to say. All my creativity kind of goes out the door during the day. At night, though, in my room, the writing is insane. I can write and write for hours, although generally it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I wouldn't call my notebook a journal, because journals are things you'll be able to read when you're 80 and know exactly what was going on. I have a journal like that, but I haven't written in it since...the end of September, roughly.

I don't know why, I'm not lazy when it comes to writing things like that.

I really want a taco. Preferably from Taco Bell, but I would accept submissions from Taco Del Mar, as well as an Expresso Burrito (chicken) from Casa Tequila.

It has to have sour cream as well as tomatoes, whatever I end up eating.

I'm in a hungry mood, I have decided. And also kind of bored and lonely and annoyed and happy and relieved and confused and hyper and tired and...

-megan.

Listen to me whine...

Mood: Annoyed.
iTunes: Basket Case - Green Day

I'm tired of most things now. I don't know why, or what, exactly, I'm tired of, but I bet if you asked me about any given thing I'd be tired of it.

I am not, however, tired of Subway. Or the fact that I may soon be working four jobs instead of just the three that I currently have. Because that means that much more money. And think of all the books I could read...

Provided I had the time. Between all four jobs....

Agh. I am so done with school, I hate it. Although I still have noooo idea what I'm doing next year. Journalism? Photography? Biology? Criminal Justice?

I need an afternoon off. And there isn't one in sight for at least three weeks.

-megan.

YESSS

Mood: Hyper
iTunes: Nothing

I have a job interview on Thursday at the library...YESSS! Oh my goodness I'm so excited.

-megan.

I Think I Need Not To Be Rescued

Mood: Waaay not here.
iTunes: If I Die - Something Corporate

I woke up at 700 am today. Because I had the bright idea that going to school would be a million times awesomer than sitting around at home all day.

You know it's going to be a loooong day when your first period teacher asks you if you "drank your parents New Year's Eve leftovers for breakfast." Thanks, but my parents don't drink, sir. He also asked me if I spiked my coffee. Yeaaaah, no.

I woke up and my eyes were more bloodshot than I have ever seen them and I really don't know why, other than I have gotten roughly 6 hours of sleep since last Wednesday. It was a long and occasionally fun weekend, though. Actually. There was only one really amusing time, and it was at 1230 am on Sunday morning. I had been texting a very wasted Blake on and off all night and he decided that it would be cool to call me when he went to bed. Only I was already half asleep. I talked to him for like an hour and a half, and it was the funniest thing that had happened to me in like 3 days. It was a good start to the new year, I believe.

New year. Wow. I was sitting there all contemplative and stuff after his phone died on me, and I was thinking. A lot. I mean, 2005 was a really weird year for me. I changed like completely, and I'm still changing. I did things I'd never ever even thought I would do, and I spent a lot of time regretting some of them. At around 600 pm on Friday night, I stopped regretting a lot of things, as a result of more thinking-time. I was okay. Everything was perfect. It still is, and I think it will be for a while now.

And the year's been going for...a lot of hours now, and I still haven't done anything I regret. I'm glad. Maybe this year will be as good/bad/confusing/weird as last year. I loved it, now that it's over. All the people I met and forgot, and all the friends I ditched and forgot, and all the ones who forgot me, and all the guys I had issues with (read: all 3 of them [i'm cutting back]), and all the partying I didn't do, and all the partying I did do, and all the mistakes I made, and all the mistakes made for me, and all the growing I did, and all the moving around, and all the shifting of opinions, and all the blaming, and all the writing and drawing and copying and cheating, and lying and forgetting and omissions of the full story, and all the truth I told that didn't make a difference anyway. All the jealousy, all the annoyance, all the boredom, all the hyper-ness, all the feeling completely un-sober even though I was.

I did a lot this year. Now I'm going to go home and go to sleep. My year's just starting, two days late.

I'm back, yo.

-megan.