My car is gone. Like, for good...I'm sad. But I thinkI'll be okay. I get too attached to material objects, and then I actually start feeling bad for them, and worrying about their feelings...I thought I'd get over this when I hit about 14, but I guess not. I haven't cried, yet, but I assume it's coming. Sigh...
-megan.
6.24.2006
6.23.2006
Even Heros
Out The Back - Fort Minor
You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so i could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it`s really worth it
Forget perfect, i`m trying not to be worthless
Since i last saw you i been lookin for a purpose
Well i met this kid who thought like i did
He had a weird way of lookin at it
This is what he said
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
I dont remember where i met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
I dont need to tell you that life isnt fair, it doesnt care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you i want someone to say its okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody`s afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that were scaring ourselves
You understand when im saying that you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Im no hero, you remember how i was, you know
All i ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
Im spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday`s life
Please remember this isn`t how i hoped it would be
But i had to protect you from me
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time i was around i just bring you down
And i could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
And i know the way i left wasnt fair
I didnt want to be around just to bring you down
Im not a hero but dont think i didnt care
You know me, I used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so i could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it`s really worth it
Forget perfect, i`m trying not to be worthless
Since i last saw you i been lookin for a purpose
Well i met this kid who thought like i did
He had a weird way of lookin at it
This is what he said
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
I dont remember where i met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
I dont need to tell you that life isnt fair, it doesnt care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you i want someone to say its okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody`s afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that were scaring ourselves
You understand when im saying that you always did
But its different in the words of a cowardly kid
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you`ll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Im no hero, you remember how i was, you know
All i ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
Im spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday`s life
Please remember this isn`t how i hoped it would be
But i had to protect you from me
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time i was around i just bring you down
And i could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
And i know the way i left wasnt fair
I didnt want to be around just to bring you down
Im not a hero but dont think i didnt care
I Want To Feel Through You Tonight
Mood: ...um
iTunes: I Won't Make You - Something Corporate
I was good for about three days, even though my car got stolen, today was a very good day. Except for a little while, during a church thing...afterwards was good. Annnnd now I'm sitting here, and I'm sad again, for no real reason, other than I hate the way I let songs change my mood so much.
I hate being sad for no reason. I wish I could put my finger on it, so that I could fix it.
Things need to get better again! This better not last....
-megan.
iTunes: I Won't Make You - Something Corporate
I was good for about three days, even though my car got stolen, today was a very good day. Except for a little while, during a church thing...afterwards was good. Annnnd now I'm sitting here, and I'm sad again, for no real reason, other than I hate the way I let songs change my mood so much.
I hate being sad for no reason. I wish I could put my finger on it, so that I could fix it.
Things need to get better again! This better not last....
-megan.
6.18.2006
It Never Quite Reaches Her Eyes
Mood: Same as almost always...
iTunes: You're Gone - Something Corporate
I'm not happy. Like, really, really, not happy. Content? Sure. But not happy. And if everything my parents have said is true, I probably never will be. I think that's why I'm in the process of giving up, and detaching myself from a lot of things. Like almost everything. I need to find something to fill my time, I think, and pushes thoughts away. I thought it was only dreaming that messed me up, but now it's thinking also. So I can't sleep, and I can't be awake. May as well learn to live with it. I want to bury myself in a city, where no one could ever find me. I don't want to be entirely alone, but for the most part...yes, sure. I don't want to be concerned with too much. I'm sick.
-megan.
iTunes: You're Gone - Something Corporate
I'm not happy. Like, really, really, not happy. Content? Sure. But not happy. And if everything my parents have said is true, I probably never will be. I think that's why I'm in the process of giving up, and detaching myself from a lot of things. Like almost everything. I need to find something to fill my time, I think, and pushes thoughts away. I thought it was only dreaming that messed me up, but now it's thinking also. So I can't sleep, and I can't be awake. May as well learn to live with it. I want to bury myself in a city, where no one could ever find me. I don't want to be entirely alone, but for the most part...yes, sure. I don't want to be concerned with too much. I'm sick.
-megan.
6.15.2006
Let's Delay Our Misery
Mood: Umm...
iTunes: Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry
Interesting things have been happening in the middle of the night...Why do I manage to feel the exact opposite of the way I felt during the day?
Maybe everyone's like this, but no one else really notices because tey can manage to sleep. I don't sleep. I'm like a robot, I'm thinking. I stay up till midnight to 1:30am talking, then I fill the rest of the night with reading, and crosswords, and taking pictures, and whatever else I can find to entertain myself. I don't know, I just don't like sleeping. I do, for maybe three or four hours a night...but I know that's not enough.
I want to grow up and get this over with. I want to know where I'll be in 8 years, and who with, and what I'll be doing...
I have a lot of thought...am I being ridiculous?
I don't expect you to be able to answer that.
-megan.
iTunes: Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry
Interesting things have been happening in the middle of the night...Why do I manage to feel the exact opposite of the way I felt during the day?
Maybe everyone's like this, but no one else really notices because tey can manage to sleep. I don't sleep. I'm like a robot, I'm thinking. I stay up till midnight to 1:30am talking, then I fill the rest of the night with reading, and crosswords, and taking pictures, and whatever else I can find to entertain myself. I don't know, I just don't like sleeping. I do, for maybe three or four hours a night...but I know that's not enough.
I want to grow up and get this over with. I want to know where I'll be in 8 years, and who with, and what I'll be doing...
I have a lot of thought...am I being ridiculous?
I don't expect you to be able to answer that.
-megan.
6.14.2006
Done
I'm done with high school. As in everything that I've known for the past 13 years is over...
I'm not sad, but I'm not entirely happy about it.
-megan.
I'm not sad, but I'm not entirely happy about it.
-megan.
6.11.2006
I Think We Need To Slow Down For A While...
Mood: Jeez!
iTunes: Thrift Store Chair - Everclear
iTunes: Thrift Store Chair - Everclear
Baby go to bed and put out the light,
We both know if we talk anymore,
We both know if we talk anymore,
We're gonna end up in a great big fight,
You can have your way again,
Yeah you believe what you wanna believe,
You can walk all over me tomorrow,
But tonight can we both just pretend to sleep,
I think we're headed for a big fall,
Think we're headed for a bad time
(yeah, you're gonna go downstairs,
sit in that chair you like)
Gonna put a John Pline record on,
I think we need to slow it down for a while,
I wish we had never bought a king-size bed,
Yeah, only damn thing that it's ever been good for,
Plenty room for the real good sex,
Lay in bed in the dark and all that I can see,
Yeah, is the distance that grows between us,
You seem so far from me,
I think we're headed for a real big fall,
Yes we're headed for a bad time,
(Yeah, gonna go downstairs,
Sit by myself all alone in the middle of the night)
Gonna but a John Pline record on,
Yes, we need to slow it down for a while
(Gonna go downstairs,
Smoke cigarettes in a thrift store chair tonight)
Gonna put a John Pline record on,
Yeah, we need to slow it down for a while,
Yeah, yeah,
We need to slow it down for a while,
Yeah, yeah,
We need to slow it down for a while,
For a while, for a while, for a while, for a while,
Yeah, we need to slow it down for a while
You can have your way again,
Yeah you believe what you wanna believe,
You can walk all over me tomorrow,
But tonight can we both just pretend to sleep,
I think we're headed for a big fall,
Think we're headed for a bad time
(yeah, you're gonna go downstairs,
sit in that chair you like)
Gonna put a John Pline record on,
I think we need to slow it down for a while,
I wish we had never bought a king-size bed,
Yeah, only damn thing that it's ever been good for,
Plenty room for the real good sex,
Lay in bed in the dark and all that I can see,
Yeah, is the distance that grows between us,
You seem so far from me,
I think we're headed for a real big fall,
Yes we're headed for a bad time,
(Yeah, gonna go downstairs,
Sit by myself all alone in the middle of the night)
Gonna but a John Pline record on,
Yes, we need to slow it down for a while
(Gonna go downstairs,
Smoke cigarettes in a thrift store chair tonight)
Gonna put a John Pline record on,
Yeah, we need to slow it down for a while,
Yeah, yeah,
We need to slow it down for a while,
Yeah, yeah,
We need to slow it down for a while,
For a while, for a while, for a while, for a while,
Yeah, we need to slow it down for a while
6.07.2006
Taste The Saline, Rolling Down Your Cheekbones
iTunes: Down - Something Corporate
I'm sad.
I just thought you should know.
It's been ths exact same way for a while, and I know how to fix it.
But it's not really a fix, since I'm not sure if being a different kind of sad would be better than just staying this same kind of sad for a lot longer. It's kind of a happy sadness, and sometimes it's hidden better than others.
I don't know.
-megan.
I'm sad.
I just thought you should know.
It's been ths exact same way for a while, and I know how to fix it.
But it's not really a fix, since I'm not sure if being a different kind of sad would be better than just staying this same kind of sad for a lot longer. It's kind of a happy sadness, and sometimes it's hidden better than others.
I don't know.
-megan.
Nothing's Gonna Blow Me Away
Mood: Emo-tastic
iTunes: Cavanaugh Park - Something Corporate
Have I ever mentioned that my favorite time of day is sometime after midnight? And I like to sit outside then, but only in the summer, when it's tolerable and the wind isn't cutting holes in my skin. Anyway, I haven't wanted to just do that for a few hours in the longest time. Probably since last summer. Pretty soon it'll get so bad that I just leave at 3 or 4 in the morning to take a walk somewhere. And it's also these times when I try to come up with some way that I could move to Wyoming or Montana or somewhere in the midwest like that where you can walk for hours and see amazing things every minute or so.
Like when we were in Wyoming last summer, driving back from Yellowstone at like 10 p.m. We drove past this pasture, or something, and there were like two mooses just kind of wandering through. Even if they were pets...who would keep a moose as a pet?
I want one...
-megan.
iTunes: Cavanaugh Park - Something Corporate
Have I ever mentioned that my favorite time of day is sometime after midnight? And I like to sit outside then, but only in the summer, when it's tolerable and the wind isn't cutting holes in my skin. Anyway, I haven't wanted to just do that for a few hours in the longest time. Probably since last summer. Pretty soon it'll get so bad that I just leave at 3 or 4 in the morning to take a walk somewhere. And it's also these times when I try to come up with some way that I could move to Wyoming or Montana or somewhere in the midwest like that where you can walk for hours and see amazing things every minute or so.
Like when we were in Wyoming last summer, driving back from Yellowstone at like 10 p.m. We drove past this pasture, or something, and there were like two mooses just kind of wandering through. Even if they were pets...who would keep a moose as a pet?
I want one...
-megan.
6.04.2006
Just Get Me Out Of Here
"...You get six months to adapt, and you get two more to leave town, and in the event that you do adapt we might still not want you around..."
I need something new. Everything's gotten to seeming stagnant, and boring, and repetitive. Everything! I'm getting a newer better camera in the next couple weeks, and I'm hoping that will help with some of that...And I'm starting at EvCC next year, that should do something for me...
I jsut want to go somewhere far away, to travel, even if it's just for a day. I need somewhere new, as opposed to something new.
-megan.
I need something new. Everything's gotten to seeming stagnant, and boring, and repetitive. Everything! I'm getting a newer better camera in the next couple weeks, and I'm hoping that will help with some of that...And I'm starting at EvCC next year, that should do something for me...
I jsut want to go somewhere far away, to travel, even if it's just for a day. I need somewhere new, as opposed to something new.
-megan.
Let's Get Drunk You Can Drive Us To The Harbour
Mood: Same it's been for a while now...
iTunes: Down - Something Corporate
"Let's get crazy, talk about our big plans..."
I hate this, because I can't describe it at all. As in, I can't even write it, which, I think, is actually a first for me. And that makes me angry...I don't know what to do about it, and I'm pretty sure ther isn't anyone that can help me. Which is fine, I'm not sure I want them to. It's not an entirely bad feeling, but it changes a lot, between bad and...not.
But it's never quite good, which, I guess, is the problem.
Maybe it's not a problem though.
The worst is when I find a million other things to cover it up with, because I'm the least straightforward person I think I know.
-megan.
iTunes: Down - Something Corporate
"Let's get crazy, talk about our big plans..."
I hate this, because I can't describe it at all. As in, I can't even write it, which, I think, is actually a first for me. And that makes me angry...I don't know what to do about it, and I'm pretty sure ther isn't anyone that can help me. Which is fine, I'm not sure I want them to. It's not an entirely bad feeling, but it changes a lot, between bad and...not.
But it's never quite good, which, I guess, is the problem.
Maybe it's not a problem though.
The worst is when I find a million other things to cover it up with, because I'm the least straightforward person I think I know.
-megan.
6.03.2006
Just Hoping So Bad That It Held Some Kind Of Truth
Mood: Bleh...
iTunes: Saturday As Usual - Bright Eyes
The entire right side of my mouth is hurting me worse than anything ever before. As in, I could collapse at any minute and just die and all would be well.
I want to go to Avondale.
I've never bitten my nails quite like this beofre...and now I'm trying to figure out what I'm so confused about.
I need a nap.
-megan.
iTunes: Saturday As Usual - Bright Eyes
The entire right side of my mouth is hurting me worse than anything ever before. As in, I could collapse at any minute and just die and all would be well.
I want to go to Avondale.
I've never bitten my nails quite like this beofre...and now I'm trying to figure out what I'm so confused about.
I need a nap.
-megan.
6.02.2006
I Would Make An Amazing Car Thief.
I just set my car alarm off for the fourth time in the past week. My dad had that car for two years before me and never even knew there was a car alarm. For some reason, if you lock yourself in teh car and stick the keys in the ignition, you are almost officially a criminal. Or, it's at least a very good start on the road to criminal-dom, and did you know that also in less than a year I will be on death row.
-megan.
-megan.
6.01.2006
I Just Want To Break You Down So Badly
Mood: Oh...
iTunes: Chrysanthemum - Everclear
What a weird day. Most of it was pretty fun, except for the couple hours I spent in sheer terror of FINALLY giving my presentation of my CE...it's over! It's all over! I'm free! Almost....
Other parts jsut confused me. But I found a new book to read to keep my mind form going too far, which it seems to do...at least I'll sleep this week, maybe.
I am discouraged. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Do I wait for it to go away? It's not entirely solvable...
-megan.
iTunes: Chrysanthemum - Everclear
What a weird day. Most of it was pretty fun, except for the couple hours I spent in sheer terror of FINALLY giving my presentation of my CE...it's over! It's all over! I'm free! Almost....
Other parts jsut confused me. But I found a new book to read to keep my mind form going too far, which it seems to do...at least I'll sleep this week, maybe.
I am discouraged. And I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Do I wait for it to go away? It's not entirely solvable...
-megan.
The More I See The Less I Know
Mood: Pensive
iTunes: Snow Hey Oh - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Today was...interesting. Boring, and tiresome, but it had it's good points. Like the one where I watched The Family Stone and it was amazing. And the part where my brother found a dead fish at the beach and it was sweet.
I got roughly...three hours of sleep for last night...and I accidentally slept through school to get those three. And I'm not gonna get much more tonight...but it'll be alright. It has to be. My entire high school career will have been wasted if I don't do at least alright tomorrow!!! That is all. Playlist-shuffle-time, since I haven't done one in like eight centuries.
iTunes: Snow Hey Oh - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Today was...interesting. Boring, and tiresome, but it had it's good points. Like the one where I watched The Family Stone and it was amazing. And the part where my brother found a dead fish at the beach and it was sweet.
I got roughly...three hours of sleep for last night...and I accidentally slept through school to get those three. And I'm not gonna get much more tonight...but it'll be alright. It has to be. My entire high school career will have been wasted if I don't do at least alright tomorrow!!! That is all. Playlist-shuffle-time, since I haven't done one in like eight centuries.
- If Winter Ends - Bright Eyes - I kinda don't like this song. The intro is entirely too long, and there are dumb children on a playground in the beginning, or something. The song part isn't terrible, though, I guess.
- I Am Revenent (?!) - The Distillers - This song is alright...but I dunno if the title is right, some retard named all the tracks that I downloaded all wrong. I don't like this song much, actually, it kinda sucks...
- Easy/Lucky/Free - Bright Eyes - Easily in my top three favorite Bright Eyes songs. It's amazing and pretty.
- Falling Out Of Love At This Volume - Bright Eyes - Yeah, I have a ton of Bright Eyes. THis song is ok, upbeat and...weird.
- Showerhead - Eve 6 - This whole CD makes me love Eve 6 more than most things ever. And this is one of the last tracks I got sick of.
- Hate Me - Blue October - This CD was amazing too. They have an interesting variety, I guess, and this song almost makes me cry. Reminds me of old time...my life has changed. A lot.
- Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol - Amazing!! The first half of this CD is just as awesome...I reccomend it. Except for that stupid Shut Your Eyes song...(haha. I am only half kidding.)
- We Be Burnin - Sean Paul - On MySpace, he gets comments from hookers. Do yooouuu get comments from hookers? I think not. And he has a fun accent.
- American Gigolo - Weezer - This song is lame compared to the rest.
- Blackjack - Everclear - Not much to say here...
Annnnnd...goodnight.
-megan.
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