I wrote my mom a letter last night, explaining like everything to her. Well, not eeeeeverything, but a lot of things about what I want to do coming up here, like next year, and the year after that...I'm supposed to be going to a four-year after a year at EvCC, but I think I want to live in Seattle coming up soon....
I don't know...my plans don't fit together right, I just know they're there.
-megan.
5.29.2006
Tell Me Lover, Are You Lonely?
Mood: Okay. So.
iTunes: Babies of the 80's - Something Corporate
It's been a long, emotional, freaking retarded day. And now I'm sitting here...it's midnight. I'm applying for college. I have this burning desire to see Seattle in all it's nighttime glory again, and I want to walk and feel the cement and be cold and awake and happy and creative again. And I want to see something new, and I want to see something no one's ever seen before, and I want to be alone, and I'm scared to be alone at the same time. I want Mexican food. I also have an intense craving for tandoori chicken, but butter chicken would fill the hole. Orange chicken would too, for that matter.
I want to go to bed, and finish this stupid application in the morning. I want to go to Egypt, and Montana, and Portland, and Oceanside, and I don't want to see Everett anymore. I want to drive somewhere far away and start almost completely over again.
And none of this is an option.
But I can pretend...?
-megan.
iTunes: Babies of the 80's - Something Corporate
It's been a long, emotional, freaking retarded day. And now I'm sitting here...it's midnight. I'm applying for college. I have this burning desire to see Seattle in all it's nighttime glory again, and I want to walk and feel the cement and be cold and awake and happy and creative again. And I want to see something new, and I want to see something no one's ever seen before, and I want to be alone, and I'm scared to be alone at the same time. I want Mexican food. I also have an intense craving for tandoori chicken, but butter chicken would fill the hole. Orange chicken would too, for that matter.
I want to go to bed, and finish this stupid application in the morning. I want to go to Egypt, and Montana, and Portland, and Oceanside, and I don't want to see Everett anymore. I want to drive somewhere far away and start almost completely over again.
And none of this is an option.
But I can pretend...?
-megan.
5.28.2006
Hmm.
I almost died, like, 800 times today. It was mostly scary...but I think I recovered pretty well. For almost smashing into a telephone pole, and other cars, and then spinning out on the freeway.
And...I'm exhausted. I should be in bed...
So, goodnight.
-megan.
And...I'm exhausted. I should be in bed...
So, goodnight.
-megan.
5.27.2006
You're My Good Feeling
Mood: Kinda...weird
iTunes: She Paints Me Blue - Something Corporate
Why is the middle of the night so weird? I can say and do so much in the middle of the night that I never could or would during the day. Why can't it be the other way around? There's never anyone else around in the middle of the night. Although, it's a great time to think, and write, and figure things out...
Such as why I never think I'm good enough for anyone. As in everyone around me deserves someone better. I'm a dysfunctional family member, a crappy example to my brothers, a terrible student, I'm lazy at work, and I have little to no talent in anything.
And whenever anyone shows the slightest bit that they might care about me, why do I get terrified and think I should leave whoever it was behind? It makes no sense to me. And I can't explain it, it's just always been that way...
-megan.
iTunes: She Paints Me Blue - Something Corporate
Why is the middle of the night so weird? I can say and do so much in the middle of the night that I never could or would during the day. Why can't it be the other way around? There's never anyone else around in the middle of the night. Although, it's a great time to think, and write, and figure things out...
Such as why I never think I'm good enough for anyone. As in everyone around me deserves someone better. I'm a dysfunctional family member, a crappy example to my brothers, a terrible student, I'm lazy at work, and I have little to no talent in anything.
And whenever anyone shows the slightest bit that they might care about me, why do I get terrified and think I should leave whoever it was behind? It makes no sense to me. And I can't explain it, it's just always been that way...
-megan.
5.25.2006
Michael
Mike wanted me to write a blog about him, so here it is, because he's amazing and he deserves it. But...I don't know what to say. Other than...he is some kind of genius, only I'm not sure what kind...the good kind. And...he is a camera hog, but he takes amazing pictures. Even if he does try to take pictures of me too often. It's okay. And we've been going out for two months now, and that seems like a loooong time, but I'm not sure why. It's not, really, i guess.
Yes, he is my favorite, by the way.
-megan.
p.s. i love him, even though i only half-know him
Maybe I Can Do It, If I Put My Back Into It
Mood: Sad
iTunes: Ways & Means - Snow Patrol
I stayed home today. I went to school, and couldn't, so I left. I might go back, I might not. If I don't start feeling better in the very near future I'm going to kill something...hasn't it been long enough?
Anyway...umm...I went to the Y last night, that was fun. And I get paid tomorrow! And I have a few checks for various things coming in over the next couple weeks, so maybe I won't run out of gas anymore! I put a whole $3.85 in this morning, which got me....a little over a gallon.
Yay.
-megan.
iTunes: Ways & Means - Snow Patrol
I stayed home today. I went to school, and couldn't, so I left. I might go back, I might not. If I don't start feeling better in the very near future I'm going to kill something...hasn't it been long enough?
Anyway...umm...I went to the Y last night, that was fun. And I get paid tomorrow! And I have a few checks for various things coming in over the next couple weeks, so maybe I won't run out of gas anymore! I put a whole $3.85 in this morning, which got me....a little over a gallon.
Yay.
-megan.
5.24.2006
Now?
Mood: Sweaty, and ick.
iTunes: Nothing...
Why is it always right around now, under these circumstances when all I can do is sit and be concerned and wait. And wait. That's all I ever do...at home, anyway.
I need something. I'm not sure what it is. A change. Of some kind.
Not drastic. There are a lot of things I want to say right now, to someone, not anyone, and I can't. Because I don't understand it...
-megan.
iTunes: Nothing...
Why is it always right around now, under these circumstances when all I can do is sit and be concerned and wait. And wait. That's all I ever do...at home, anyway.
I need something. I'm not sure what it is. A change. Of some kind.
Not drastic. There are a lot of things I want to say right now, to someone, not anyone, and I can't. Because I don't understand it...
-megan.
5.23.2006
Oh, Hurray, Mindlessness
Mood: Good enough
iTunes: Nothing
DId you know that if you were quietly reading you could spend all day in a bathrrom stall at the library, probably? Like, if you had to. What sicko is going to interrupt you in there, honestly? If you were clever enough, you could even stay there all night. I should try that someday.
Oh, great, now I'm the girl who's life goal is to spend the night in a nasty library bathroom stall. That's great.
Oh, and also, did you know that ever copy of "The Devil Wears Prada" in Everett is checked out? Also, I'm running out of nasty chick-lit books to read, and I can't remember the name of the blog site that had a huge list of them.
And I hate my camera. No, I don't, I'm lying. But I want a new one, with a better macro thingy...I guess I could just ask for an actual macro lense for some upcoming...giftgiving occasion...
By the way. My knee, ankle, and right wrist are all sore. I'm never exercising again.
I'm lying. It was fun. Especially the cardio workout....thingy...where I burned a whole 90 calories during one chapter of my book...that was short...and absolutely hilarious.
Um...goodnight.
-megan.
iTunes: Nothing
DId you know that if you were quietly reading you could spend all day in a bathrrom stall at the library, probably? Like, if you had to. What sicko is going to interrupt you in there, honestly? If you were clever enough, you could even stay there all night. I should try that someday.
Oh, great, now I'm the girl who's life goal is to spend the night in a nasty library bathroom stall. That's great.
Oh, and also, did you know that ever copy of "The Devil Wears Prada" in Everett is checked out? Also, I'm running out of nasty chick-lit books to read, and I can't remember the name of the blog site that had a huge list of them.
And I hate my camera. No, I don't, I'm lying. But I want a new one, with a better macro thingy...I guess I could just ask for an actual macro lense for some upcoming...giftgiving occasion...
By the way. My knee, ankle, and right wrist are all sore. I'm never exercising again.
I'm lying. It was fun. Especially the cardio workout....thingy...where I burned a whole 90 calories during one chapter of my book...that was short...and absolutely hilarious.
Um...goodnight.
-megan.
5.21.2006
5.20.2006
Today
For being a day off school it sure sucked. I was supposed to bring Mike to the airport with me, but I didn't. Which sucked, at first, but then it was okay because I got to be alone for a longer time than I have been in a while, really, and it was good thinking-time. Not that I don't like being with him, because those are the best times, and tonight was especially good, but I don't know why. Anyway, being alone is good once in a while. Except then I have time to think about what it really was that made me screw up my life earlier this year, like badly. Then I get reminded about how things are now and how much better they are and how I hope they stay like this for a really really really long time...yay for run-on sentences!
-megan.
-megan.
5.19.2006
Observed
Mood: Oh...
iTunes: Nothing
iTunes: Nothing
- There is a cat with paws the size of Texas thumping around upstairs.
- My foot is numb.
- More than half of my right thigh is covered in an enormous bruise.
- I still can't dance.
- Yahoo games suck.
- I want a fishy!
- But a kitten would suffice, or two kittens.
I'm tired, you!!
-megan.
It's Not Even 12 Yet
I think that the worst feeling in the world is when you let something destroy, but then you let something else fix it....because then you let everything they do affect you way more than it ever should, and then you feel retarded.
I was thinking about that last night, and then this morning, and then now, obviously.
The worst part is that I didn't have to let it hurt me. I could have easily listened to everything everyone else was saying and ran.
It would have made me about a million times happier, that's for sure...
-megan.
I was thinking about that last night, and then this morning, and then now, obviously.
The worst part is that I didn't have to let it hurt me. I could have easily listened to everything everyone else was saying and ran.
It would have made me about a million times happier, that's for sure...
-megan.
I Have Nothing To Say
Actually I have lots to say, I just can't say it.
There are a lot of things I can't say and I don't think I cn even put into words how absolutely fucking frustrating I find that. In fact, I would say that I haven't cried because I was sad or hurt in a very very long time, it's mostly always been because I was so annoyed with my crazy inability to just SAY it.
I'm officially the worst, but also the best. And, my wrist and ankle hurt so bad I think I might just amputate.
-megan.
There are a lot of things I can't say and I don't think I cn even put into words how absolutely fucking frustrating I find that. In fact, I would say that I haven't cried because I was sad or hurt in a very very long time, it's mostly always been because I was so annoyed with my crazy inability to just SAY it.
I'm officially the worst, but also the best. And, my wrist and ankle hurt so bad I think I might just amputate.
-megan.
5.16.2006
Visit Number Two
Mood: Mildly Concerned...
iTunes: Run - Snow Patrol
"So, last time you mentioned that you'd been burned pretty badly when you were younger. How much of that do you remember?"
"Um...I remember what I was wearing, and that it melted, kind of, and I remember playing with toys in this huge silver tub, when they did the debridement...That's about it."
"Do you remember anything else? What about things parents and relatives have told you about that time?"
"Let's see here..."
Tonight we talked about how traumatized and in general just how fucked up I really am.
Well...no, not really, but I never realized it before.
I don't think I want to talk about it.
-megan.
iTunes: Run - Snow Patrol
"So, last time you mentioned that you'd been burned pretty badly when you were younger. How much of that do you remember?"
"Um...I remember what I was wearing, and that it melted, kind of, and I remember playing with toys in this huge silver tub, when they did the debridement...That's about it."
"Do you remember anything else? What about things parents and relatives have told you about that time?"
"Let's see here..."
Tonight we talked about how traumatized and in general just how fucked up I really am.
Well...no, not really, but I never realized it before.
I don't think I want to talk about it.
-megan.
5.15.2006
Visit Number One
Mood: None
iTunes: None
"So, Megan, how would you describe yourself?"
"Uh...myself?"
"Yes, you. What makes you tick? How do you think others see you? What do you like to do? I want to know about you. I've seen you around, at church and things, but I've never talked to you."
"Um, well..."
I hate these conversations. I'm not friendly, I don't do much, I'm an extremely private person, when it comes to things that actually matter and count, and I'm almost always a completely different person. And if there' one ting I hate above all other things, it's being asked if I'm okay. Not because I hate being asked, but I never know what the answer is. And just about every time, I feel like crying, for no apparent reason. If you ask and I don't start crying right there, you can be positive I'll cry myself to sleep that night.
"...Yes?"
"...Yeah. I honestly don't know how."
And then an hour went by and we ended up talking about cameras.
Oh, and side note...102 entries and I'm still introducing myself. Says something, doesn't it?
-megan.
iTunes: None
"So, Megan, how would you describe yourself?"
"Uh...myself?"
"Yes, you. What makes you tick? How do you think others see you? What do you like to do? I want to know about you. I've seen you around, at church and things, but I've never talked to you."
"Um, well..."
I hate these conversations. I'm not friendly, I don't do much, I'm an extremely private person, when it comes to things that actually matter and count, and I'm almost always a completely different person. And if there' one ting I hate above all other things, it's being asked if I'm okay. Not because I hate being asked, but I never know what the answer is. And just about every time, I feel like crying, for no apparent reason. If you ask and I don't start crying right there, you can be positive I'll cry myself to sleep that night.
"...Yes?"
"...Yeah. I honestly don't know how."
And then an hour went by and we ended up talking about cameras.
Oh, and side note...102 entries and I'm still introducing myself. Says something, doesn't it?
-megan.
When
Mood: Bored. Hot. Pretty alright!!
iTunes: Nothing
WHen did I get to be so paranoid? Like, I got this huge inexplicable fear somewhere that things can't be like this forever. Who decided that I had to be the most paranoid person ever? I think I manage to hide it okay, except for randomly when I decide to be retarded...
It's like a million degrees outside today. No, seriously. A million.
-megan.
iTunes: Nothing
WHen did I get to be so paranoid? Like, I got this huge inexplicable fear somewhere that things can't be like this forever. Who decided that I had to be the most paranoid person ever? I think I manage to hide it okay, except for randomly when I decide to be retarded...
It's like a million degrees outside today. No, seriously. A million.
-megan.
5.14.2006
Can't someone...
Mood: Tired, sad, lonely, bored...and curious
iTunes: June, Summer, Rose - Umbrellas
...tell me what they think of me? In all it's entirety and honesty?
I don't think I really know how theme that everyone else does. I think that I spend way too much time lying to everyone else I don't know what to tell myself. Although, I don't lie exactly everyone, there is one person that I couldn't lie to if I tried, probably, I would just fail. Um... Yeah.
Also, I wish that I could be lessselfish and bitchy and all around retarded. I don't think I show things enough...maybe that's why I'm in counseling.
And I need to stopdoing stupid things just to reassure myself of things I already know. All it does is hurt people, maybe, but at any rate I feel sad when I do it. I don't know how that's any different than any other time....
-megan.
p.s. This is the 100th entry...it's been a while, hasn't it.
iTunes: June, Summer, Rose - Umbrellas
...tell me what they think of me? In all it's entirety and honesty?
I don't think I really know how theme that everyone else does. I think that I spend way too much time lying to everyone else I don't know what to tell myself. Although, I don't lie exactly everyone, there is one person that I couldn't lie to if I tried, probably, I would just fail. Um... Yeah.
Also, I wish that I could be lessselfish and bitchy and all around retarded. I don't think I show things enough...maybe that's why I'm in counseling.
And I need to stopdoing stupid things just to reassure myself of things I already know. All it does is hurt people, maybe, but at any rate I feel sad when I do it. I don't know how that's any different than any other time....
-megan.
p.s. This is the 100th entry...it's been a while, hasn't it.
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